Chapter 5 – Help! Help! I’m beginning to digress!

I open the door to Tina’s apartment and let Alice, Dana, and Shane enter. They scatter like mice in various directions and I watch as they start to methodically search every nook and cranny. For a week now, I’ve been looking with absolutely no luck and Alice has tried unsuccessfully to get the information out of Tina. It’s a hard question to ask indirectly and Tina’s schedule has made consistent probing difficult.

I’ve been bringing her lunch every day, sometimes a picnic, and while she’s sometimes cranky or doesn’t have much time, she always has a shocked but thankful smile and kiss for me. I’ve also been taking extra care of her when she gets home from work, continually trying to express my desire to be a reliable helpmate. I keep waiting for my genuine interest in her to be expected, but it never comes. I don’t want her to take it for granted, just accept it as fact; I am genuinely interested. She’s just doesn’t seem to get it.

She hasn’t mentioned my staying here every night or even mentioned the house. I’ve hinted at actually moving in together but the answer is always the same; no answer at all or dance around the issue. I’m beginning to think that having her work extra hours isn’t necessary. She obviously isn’t interested or comfortable with staying there, let alone just going there, and now I wonder if all this remodeling work is for nothing. Either way, I’d rather have the security of knowing she’s just too tired to notice much of what’s going on or the extra time to stumble upon any of the work taking place.

I place the medium sized box down by the end of the sectional and smile. Tonight, I take the smallest of steps towards bringing us closer. This part of the plan has changed a little with Alice’s insistent pushing, but even though I’m nervous I’m prepared to see it through.

It’s Saturday and Tina has tomorrow off. We normally spend Sunday’s lounging around, making love, and just generally being together. My smile grows a bit wider only to turn into a small frown. I hate the idea of being away from her but I want her to have time with her thoughts to absorb what I hope to convey with this inconsequential gift, a gift that will make me feel entirely vulnerable. It will also give Alice a window to try again, but I’m beginning to think she just doesn’t have it anymore. That will be devastating, at least for me, but I won’t hold it against her. I love her. Truly there is nothing I wouldn’t forgive her.

I run my hand along the smooth leather spine of the top book in the box, stand to lean against the wall, and wait. I’ve searched high and low, only to come up empty handed. I hope the gang has better luck. I feel my phone vibrate in my jacket pocket and pull it out. It’s a text from Wheezy. “Hey sugar tits, can you come by the house? I’ve got somethin’ extra special for ya’.” I roll my eyes and I can almost hear the hideous giggle. With a sigh, I reply, “I’ll be there in about forty-five minutes.”

I hope there aren’t any problems. So far, the entire house has been gutted. When I walked in yesterday, I wasn’t sure I was in the right place. The second story has been framed and they’ve started shingling the roof, all of this with very few hiccups. It’s mid-October and she needs to have the outside done before the unpredictable rains come. The roof should be completed tomorrow, and the siding should be done by mid next week. So far Wheezy has done excellent work, to my everlasting surprise and relief. I just hope she sees it through; contractors are just as unpredictable as the October weather.

Alice walks into the living room and sits on the sectional, her face dramatically crestfallen and her shoulders slumped. “No luck?”

She looks up at me with a perturbed expression. “What do you think?” She waits a moment before saying, “I found that dildo on steroids though. You weren’t kidding. That thing’s so complicated it might be able to cure cancer. It sure as fuck does everything else…”

I roll my eyes and sit on the edge of one of the low backed chairs and blow out a deep breath. “Al, I don’t think it’s here and, other than throwing it out, I can’t imagine what she would have done with it.”

She nods her head. “I know. I’m sorry. I’ve done everything but ask her flat out where it is and she just pretends that I didn’t ask. We may have to find another way Bette…”

“Or just let it go…”

“Yeah, you might have to. I just don’t see a way.” She picks at imaginary lint on her jeans. “Nope, should just probably give it up.”

I look at Alice and furrow my brows just as Shane and Dana come from the back and flop down on either side of her. Shane looks up to me and shrugs saying, “Sorry, Bette…”

“Yeah, I even checked that little crawl space…” I look to Dana to see her a bit dirty and disheveled and smile sadly as Alice suddenly flinches and digs in her pocket for her phone. She jumps up saying, “Finally! Um…I mean…it’s Tina.” We all sit perfectly still and silent and stare at her. Finally?

Her voice is rushed. “Hey T, what’s up?” I sigh. Smooth Alice, so very, very smooth. “Oh, yeah, sure. I can be there…” She looks down at her watch. “…in about fifteen minutes.” Alice looks up to me but quickly diverts her eyes. “Yeah, sure. No problem.” Pause. “Kay, see you in a bit.”

Alice looks at all of us nervously and everything comes out jumbled. “Um, Tina’s…um…having a rough day. Yeah…and…she wants me to…bring her some food. Yeah…um…I need to head over now.” She looks in my direction but won’t meet my eyes. I furrow my brow. “I’ll meet you and Dana at the Body Shop at…six, yeah six…” She practically runs out the door saying over shoulder, “See you guys at six tonight!” We all stare at the door in silent curiosity as it slams shut.

“What the fuck was that all about?” I look to Dana and her rigid posture and fidgeting fingers make me nervous. “Dane?”

She looks up to me and her eyes are wide. “I…I don’t know. I wonder if she’s…um, having an affair.”

I look to her incredulously. “You’re joking…”

She slumps back in her chair and lets out a nervous breath and shakes her head roughly. Fuck, would Alice really do that to Dana? Would she really use Tina like that? I don’t know but something seems off. I glance at my watch. It’s four o’clock. If she is really meeting Tina, why didn’t Tina call me if she has time? Am I smothering her? Did Sam finally do something? She hasn’t said or done anything since she’s returned; why would she start now? And I brought Tina lunch just two hours ago. Sigh. I’m confused as fuck. Should I ask Tina…corner Alice…leave it alone? I look to Shane to see the same worried and confused expression that I have. I’ll talk to Shane tomorrow.

I take a deep breath and find the will to let it go. “Well Dana, I need to head over to the house for a minute, and apparently we have a couple hours before you and I need to meet Alice.”

She nods her head and Shane asks, “You’re going to the Body Shop huh?”

I glare at Shane and run my hands through my hair. “Yes, and I’m nervous as fuck about tonight.”

“Bette, what you’re doing is inspired. I may not be easy, but Tina will understand you and love you all the more for it. I’m sure of it.”

I roll my eyes but smile brightly at Shane. “Thus spoke Yoda.” She quirks a grin at me and I address them both, “So, you want to come see the house and meet the scariest person on the face of the fucking earth?”

Dana shrugs her shoulders and throws her hands in the air. “I rode with Alice, so I’ll need a ride somewhere either way.” She leans back and sighs pathetically. “We might as well just hang out together for the next couple hours. I kind of wanted to see how the house is coming along anyway.”

Dana looks like she’s about to throw up. I look to Shane and she grins sadly. Fuck. The last thing we need is two more of the group going through a horrendous breakup. Sigh. I turn to Shane and ask a question with my eyes. She takes the hint and nods her head. We both walk over to Dana, pull her up, and sling an arm around either shoulder as we squeeze out the door, stopping long enough for me to turn the deadbolt. “Don’t worry Dane, we’re with you. Tina probably had an emergency or something and needed Alice. She seemed worried and probably wasn’t thinking clearly.”

I hope it’s that simple. She smiles nervously and says, “Yeah, probably…” I give Shane a worried glance over the top of Dana’s head and she mirrors the sentiment before we pile into my car and head for construction site that used to be my house.


We arrive at the house to find it looking almost like…a house, at least from the outside. The shingling is done and the siding is a third of the way complete. I’m truly impressed. They got a lot done yesterday.

We all step out of the car and I look over at Shane and Dana’s faces. Shane’s seen it every day, so it’s really not a big deal for her, but Dana looks shocked. “Wow…Bette! This is going to be fantastic!” I smile brightly. She’s right. I just hope Tina loves it as much. It’s all for her anyway. If not…well, I don’t want it without her.

We walk up the porch and through the door slowly. Wow! The stairs fit the space fantastically. We hear the muffled rumbling footsteps of movement above us and the unmistakable laugh of Wheezy. Shane and Dana turn to me and their expressions are priceless. I laugh at them and finally say, “That would be the scariest person on earth giggling, choking, or bellowing in pain depending on how you look at it.”

Just as I finish, Wheezy comes trundling down the stairs with a jolly smile on her face and her permanently attached travel mug in hand. “I thought I heard someone!” She waddles up to us smiling and slaps me hard on my permanently sore shoulder. At least I’m learning to set my feet and brace for impact. “So? What’ya think sugar tits?! Pretty great huh?!”

I step away from her a bit but can’t help but smile brightly. It certainly is coming along quickly and looking every bit how I hoped. “You guys are doing a fantastic job Wheezy, truly.” I turn to Dana and Shane’s incredulous faces and find them gaping openly at me with barely contained amusement; whether it’s for her name or mine, I’m not sure. “Wheezy, these are my friends, Dana and Shane. Shane lives next door.”

Wheezy looks to them and reaches out her hand saying, “Well hello there.” They both just keep staring at me so I nudge Shane and she finally accepts Wheezy’s hand with the same wince I’ve experienced several times since meeting her. Dana follows but can’t seem to retrieve her hand back. “Say! You’re Dana Fairbanks!” Again with the mule-like giggle. “I guess I should have known that someone as hoity toity as Bette would be all buddy-buddy with a professional athlete.”

I’m a little offended at first but then realize I am an elitist. I’ve admitted as much. Dana just gives her a tight smile and finally jerks her hand away, wiping it on her jeans. “Well, this is just great! You should bring your friends by more often Bette! Especially if you have any hot young studs you’re all finished with!” She waggles her eyebrows at me and chuckles again as she goes to slap my arm. I manage to dodge this one into a glancing blow with an internal sigh of relief. How clueless is she?

“Um, no Wheezy, we don’t really have…male friends. We’re gay.”

She looks at us with a confused expression before giving Shane her impression of a sly grin. Then she slaps Shane on the shoulder and says, “You sly devil! You got these two rich fillies to do you at once huh? Say, you’re a handsome fella! If you need a third, I’d be willing to…”

“Wheezy, can we see the upstairs?” She stops speaking just long enough to change tracks. I’m just thankful the track changed.

She shakes her head animatedly saying, “No can do! Too much stuff lying around and you could get hurt! Besides, we haven’t insulated or sheet rocked yet so it’s just wooden frames like before. But, that’s why I wanted to see ya’ sugar tits. Since we’ve got so much done, I wanted to give the boys this weekend off.”

I don’t like this idea. I’m in a hurry, not just because my timeframe is so tight but because I want to wipe her from my memory and never speak of her again. But given all the progress, and how willing and able they’ve been, I think she’s right, so I suggest a compromise. “I think they have. Get the siding done today and take the weekend.”

She slams her meaty hand into her thigh, clapping it loudly, and says, “That’s great! I really need to get some dick! It’s been too long…if you know what I mean!”

Shane and Dana have to cover their mouths. It’s just too much at once for one brain to process without an outburst of some kind. I truly get it, I’m just desensitized. She looks to Shane and again offers, “You sure handsome? I’m strong and I can be a load of fun, if you catch my drift…”

I think Shane is about to combust. I need to get us out of here. “Okay, well, it looks great Wheezy. Keep up the good work and I’ll see you on Monday.”

I nearly push them out of the house and I’ve barely ushered them down the front steps before Dana shouts, “What…the fuck…was that!” She and Shane both laugh hysterically but Shane composes herself enough to say, “Yeah…sugar tits…”

I give her a little shove and manage to get them both through Shane’s front door, closing it behind me. As soon as it shuts, the stress releases and I join them in their laughter. Several long moments pass before we can pull ourselves together, but Shane is the first, saying, “I…uh…there…are not words…”

I nod my head, still unable to speak. Dana finally says, “And that nameWheezy? Who names their kid Wheezy?” I shake my head and we all start laughing harder. I probe the pain in my side and finally I’m able to take a deep breath.

I look to Shane and we all calm down. After a moment Shane asks, “She’s a dyke right…” in a quiet and serious voice.

My eyes widen with exasperated confusion as I answer back. “I don’t know! Maybe she doesn’t know she’s a dyke. Maybe she’s a yikes…”

Shane’s pitches her voice up an octave and imitates, “You’re a handsome fella…”

I put my hand over my mouth to control my outburst only to pull it away and mimic the atrocious giggle fairly well. We all start laughing again, full and hardy guffaw’s. After long moments, I’m able to say, “That’s mean…that’s mean…she’s doing a good job.”

We’re all a little tired but we wipe at our tears and take deep breaths to calm down. Shane shakes her head and walks to the kitchen coming back with three beers. She hands one to me and Dana, raises hers, and grins at me knowingly. “To sexual discovery…” She leans in a little closer. “…for Wheezy of course…”

I pin her with my gaze and say, “Of course.” I continue to scowl at her as we all sip and I can’t help but join them in another fit of laughter before sighing and mumbling, “We few, we happy few, we band of buggard…”


I pull up Santa Monica Boulevard and eye the shop names until finally locating ‘The Body Shop.’ Dana confirms this is the right place by pointing at an entrance to a back lot for parking. I’m thankful. This is going to be embarrassing enough as it is without having to be seen entering from the street. I pull into a space, turn off the car, and we both scan the lot with our eyes. Alice’s car isn’t here yet. Checking my watch, we’re about five minutes early. I rest my hands on my thighs and can’t help the nervous tapping as I blow out an anxious breath.

I normally wouldn’t have taken Alice or Dana with me for an excursion like this, but this is new territory for me. Alice has been particularly vocal in her support of toys since our discussion, even in front of Tina who’s said nothing. She was so thrilled that I had decided to go through with it that when I asked her to come with me this morning, she screamed, “FUCK YES,” in the middle of the Planet. Dana had to clamp her hand down over her mouth. The whole place stared at our table in short intervals for almost an hour.

I chuckle but it’s still nervous. Why is this so fucking hard for me? I’m a grown woman for fuck’s sake. Dana puts her hand over mine to stop the nervous rattle. I smile apologetically at her. “Bette, trust me. Alice and I have tons of fun using toys.”

I eye her skeptically. I’ve always thought this kind of thing is…I don’t know…repugnant. There are just certain facets of man-ness that make me queasy; a dick is undoubtedly one of them. But, as I told Alice, there’s nothing that Tina wants that I’m unwilling to give her. “Why would it be fun to make a woman look like a man? I mean, doesn’t that mean that you’re attracted to men?”

Dana rolls her eyes. “Bette, I get it, trust me. I guess for some women, maybe they are confused, but I don’t think Tina’s one of them. Some women just like the way it feels. But it’s a lot of fun to have your hands free and if it makes your girlfriend happy…”

“Okay, okay, I get that. I guess I’m just…worried.” Dana’s looks at me confused so I try to explain. “Well, sex with Tina is emotionally charged. There’s a connection there.” She nods her head. “Well, won’t this remove that connection? I mean, I want it to be fun, but I don’t want it to be…empty.”

“Oh…well…I mean…a lot of the stuff Alice and I do is more for the fun of it. You don’t find the emotional stuff…I don’t know…a little exhausting sometimes?”

Fuck. There is definitely trouble with these two. How do I answer her? If I disagree, which I do, I could make things worse. I don’t want to lie to her though. Okay, here goes nothing. I turn to face her more fully in my seat. “When I was alone, I had sex with random women all the time. It was lonely and empty; and honestly, I think I’ve just had my fill of it. I want it to mean something, to account for something. I just couldn’t have that without Tina.” Her brows furrow and I hasten to add, “But, none of those encounters were even fun. There was just…nothing, nothing at all.”

She lets go of a deep breath and I have to touch her hand to get her to stop fidgeting this time. I’m officially scared. I’ll talk to Shane tomorrow and hopefully Yoda can help with this one. We both turn our heads to see Alice’s car pull in next to us. I let go of the breath I didn’t even know I was holding, and we exit the car to greet Alice.

Alice smiles brightly and hugs Dana. I hear her say, “I’m sorry for leaving like that earlier but Tina…” She looks up at me hesitates. “Uh…I’ll explain later.”

Dana hugs her back and her nervous posture seems to relax. I breathe out a relived sigh as they finally break apart. “You ready to get your thing on Porter? Get it…get your thing on…”

“Very funny Alice. Keep it up and I’ll take pictures of that thing strapped to your forehead while you sleep and post them on your website.”

Alice glares at me in open mouthed shock and Dana busts up laughing. Alice slaps her on the ass saying, “Don’t encourage her!”

“Oh come on Alice. You have to admit you’d look hilarious, sort of like a sexually demented unicorn.” We laugh again as Alice glares. Besides…” Dana leans in close to her ear to finish the sentence and Alice’s face brightens with a lusty gleam shining in her eyes.

“Wow, you’re my bad, bad girl aren’t you? I think you’ll get a treat later for that one. It has serious possibility…cowgirl…”

Normally I’d interrupt them to save my brain from the frightening images their sexual proclivities assault it with, but this is a definite improvement from earlier, I choose instead to walk to the door and wait. I can’t hear what they’re saying, thank God, but from the loaded touches and Dana’s flushed embarrassment, I assume it’s pretty good. Finally, they link their fingers and Alice kisses Dana’s hand as they approach me.

Stepping inside, a sharp ding announces our entrance and I roll my eyes. Fortunately, no one turns to stare at us. The smell of chemical cleansers, latex, and artificial fruit is overwhelming. Alice and Dana start to walk towards the far back wall and I look around as I follow them. There is row after row of videos for every possible fetish, leather torture devices, a piercing/tattoo booth, paddles, chains, and whips. Despite all of this, it’s really not as scary as I thought it would be. I expected blacked out windows and creepy men in trench coats lurking in dark corners ready to jump out and scar you for life, but it’s actually bright and cheerful.

We reach the back wall to find an impressive display of dildos in all sizes and colors. The attachments and harnesses alone take up half the expansive area. It’s like the Walmart of dicks. A tall, wiry, black man in a polo and khaki’s sees us approach and smiles, showing off a row of impressively even white teeth. He swaggers towards Dana and says, “Hey girl, hey,” as he leans in to hug her and then Alice.

“Ricky! Hey! I’m glad you’re here. This is my best friend, Bette Porter.” He and Alice both turn to me and I smile as I shake his soft, well-manicured hand.

His smile is as flamboyant as his demeanor and his eyes are warm and genuine. I can’t help liking him instantly. “Nice to meet you Ricky. Thanks for taking care of Dana a while back.”

He waves his hand in a dismissive gesture. “Girl, don’t you sweat a thing. We had a fabulous time together.” He eyes her coyly and claps his hands together. “So, other than moi…” He lays his hands gracefully against his chest and flutters his long eyelashes. “…what brings you sexy ladies here? Did you run out of lube? I always say you can never have too much lube.”

“No, thanks, we’re all set. But…” Alice grabs my hand and jerks me forward. “…this one needs a strap-on.”

I pull my hand from Alice’s grip and feel a hot flush of chagrin. “No problem! Did you have something specific in mind?” I shake my head. “Well, here’s a good way to think about it; an inch in diameter is two fingers inside you…” He puts a hand on his hip and raises two fingers. “…and an inch and a half is three fingers inside of you.” A third finger joins the first two.

He points to the shelf on the wall and continues. “The silicon ones are easy to sterilize so you can share. Just pop it in the dishwasher and presto!” He leans in conspiratorially. “Just don’t forget to take it out before the maid comes.” He winks slyly and continues. “Up here are the semi-realistic ones. These…” He points at the two that are as big as my thigh and I can feel my eyes grow wide. “…King Kong and T-Rex, are pretty realistic.” Realistic? Yeah, maybe in every male fantasy. “They all come in several different colors; black, purple, blue, teal, red, hot pink, chocolate, and vanilla. There’s also a combination swirl or disco glitter; and King Kong and T-Rex also come in camouflage…in case you’re screwing in a warzone.”

He roughly pulls one off the wall and flips it so I can see the bottom. “Now if you look at the base, they come with a suction cup, and that makes them easy to attach to the hotel window.” He slams it back onto the wall where it sticks with a resounding ‘pop’ and wobbles.

Alice reaches forward and lifts the shaft to expose the base. “Wow, this one has hairy balls…” I close my eyes and shudder swallowing the urge to vomit. I try to wrap my brain around all of this. What would Tina like? Does she want hairy balls? I swallow again…ugh. “Um…okay…well…um.”

“Actually Ricky, she was looking for something more…something that gives pleasure but allows you to be…”

I smile at Dana gratefully and take over. “Ricky, I just don’t want to lose the connection that comes with being able to feel her, really feel her. I want it to retain that…”

He smiles knowingly and says, “Zsuzz.”

I return his smile. “Right, Zsuzz.”

“Come with me girlfriend. I have just the thing.” He spins on his heel and we all follow him to a separate section of the wall of dildos. He picks one up that’s shaped like a ‘V’. It’s ribbed, but it doesn’t look like a real man. That’s a relief. The length and width of it are average, only one side is half as long as the other and there’s a bulge at the base.

“Okay, this one…” He holds it out to me and I hesitantly accept it. He quirks a grin at me and points to the shorter side with the bulge at the bottom. “You put that end inside you…” I eye him incredulously and he laughs. “Don’t worry girl, you’ll love it! Believe me…” He winks at me knowingly and then points to the average sized phallus. “You put that end inside her. It’s light, there aren’t any bells or whistles, and you don’t have to wear anything else that will get in the way or make it feel even more external than it already is. And…” He drawls the word as if it has two syllables. “You’ll feel everything together. When she moves, you’ll feel it. When you move, she’ll feel it. Everyone’s a winner! It’s silicon, so it’s just as easy to clean as the other dongs, and the shape will hit you both in just the right spots, inside and out.”

“Won’t it…fall out?”

Alice snorts and Ricky guffaws. I glare at Alice and she covers her mouth. Dana smacks her in the stomach and smiles at me reassuringly. “You are just too precious.” His tone is almost condescending. “No girl, it won’t.”

I let out a deep sigh. This is the best one I’ve seen so far and I don’t think I can stomach looking at much more. I smile a half watt smile at him and say, “I’ll take it.” He claps his hands excitedly and beams a giant gleaming smile as I hand it back to him. This had better work…



“Babe? I’m home.” This phrase is a common occurrence anymore and it never fails to put a brilliant smile on my face. I put my latest copy of art ltd down on the coffee table and stand to greet Tina, waiting until she’s finished unloading her day by the door. “Sorry I’m so late. Things have just been so crazy…”

She turns and I take her in my arms, kissing her sweetly. She has the most incredible lips. And her taste…I could spend hours describing the complex and erotic flavor and texture that is the incredibly sexy Tina Kennard, but I have other plans, important plans. I pull back and stroke her hair and cheek. “That’s okay. I know you must be tired. Did you eat? It’s eleven o’clock, but if you’re hungry…”

Her eyes are as warm, honest, and open, and the kiss she gives me stops my rambling. I’m just so nervous and it’s still a new feeling for me. She pulls away after a lingering moment and strokes my hair with both hands before saying sweetly, “I just need you, only you.”

I smile a watery smile and take her hand in mine. “Good, because I have a surprise for you.”

I tug her with me and a grin splits her face as she says, “God Bette, it’s been more than four months. I mean, I’m not complaining, but you don’t have to woo me anymore. I’m already yours…”

I smile at this. This is the first time she’s indicated that she’s noticed my behavior. I can feel the hope in my heart swell to bursting, vying for space with my love for her.

I continue to pull her to the room as I respond, “I know that I don’t need to woo you T, but I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of thinking of you or looking after you. Finding new ways to comfort you, make a home for you, and make you smile is the highlight of my day. Well, until I get to see the smile first hand.”

I stop at the door and look into her radiant face and am utterly warmed by its glow. Her eyebrow is raised incredulously and her hazel eyes shine with the shocked gleam of happy tears welling there. I open the door and pull her further into the dark. I let go of her hand and grab the candle lighter resting on the dresser by the door. Flicking it on, I make my way around the room lighting the strategically placed candles. As I light the last one, I look up and gaze into her eyes. She’s still wearing that beatific smile and I return it with one of my own.

She looks around the room and notices the rose petals littering the bed that’s been turned down in anticipation. She looks to me and smiles knowingly. I smile back as I walk to the CD player in the corner of the room and hit play. The soft and thrillingly sensual sounds of Massive Attack’s Angel fill the room.

Every time I touch her, intimately or otherwise, we make love. Each caress is a testament to the love behind it. There’s just no way around it, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But making love is as subjective and personal as viewing a masterfully crafted painting. Tonight, I plan to open her up and peel back all the layers of insecurity and armor to discover the deepest parts of her. I will touch her in ways and in places that I have never reached before; I will touch her very soul, but I will also give as much as I take. To do that, I need an atmosphere and willingness that will inspire her to meet me there, and this music, this lighting, and these fragrances will help guide us to those deepest reaches together.

I stride up to her, tall and confident, pulling my top up and off as I approach her. I don’t hesitate to take her face in my hands with a sure grip. I gaze right into her eyes. If I’m going to bare my very soul, I want her to know the depth and honesty of what I’m about to do. I lean in close and touch my lips to hers so she can feel me whisper as much as see and hear me. “I want to give myself to you…all of me.”

Her breathing is already erratic and the warm bursts that wash over my face leave goose flesh in their wake. I feel the nervousness leave me only to be replaced by a primal eroticism with the knowledge of what I’m about to do, the act that I’m about to perform, as ancient and fathomless and natural as love itself. My need for her grows steadily in intensity and I give myself over to its power.

Pressing my lips fully against hers, I seal us together, demanding entry into her mouth and swirling my tongue with hers. I reach deep and pull her to me, running my hands down her smooth neck and chest, reaching my fingers under her lapels and pushing up to drop the blazer to the floor.

She returns the kiss and I trail my fingers up her arms and across her collar, following the dips and curves down to the furrow of the lush valley between her breasts. I swiftly and neatly pop open the buttons with my right hand as my left tightens around her lower back. As many years as we were together, we always treated our lovemaking with delicacy. I never thought anything was missing because it was so utterly fulfilling, and in all honesty, nothing was missing. We just hadn’t explored everything, all the possible nuances; the landscape had not been fully surveyed. I plan to change this.

She raises her hands and tangles them in my hair, gripping my scalp and sending my nerve endings to that place that is a fine line between pleasure and pain. I moan into her mouth and she whimpers throatily as I pull her shirt up, un-tucking and opening it roughly, freeing her arms and heaving chest.

We break the heated kiss for much needed air and I trail hot, wet kisses down her ear, neck, and chest. Reaching high behind her, I release her breasts fully and bite my nails into her shoulders as I pull the straps down her arms. She leans her head back. Her skin is flushed and slightly sheened and glows a burnished gold in the flickering candlelight. No, the sheer primal sensuality of being sure and indestructible is entirely new and it is freeing as well as all encompassing. Even the throbbing in my sex burns hotter and thicker. I realize now that I don’t always have to be so gentle with her to worship her as she deserves, that worshiping can be welcomingly aggressive.

I step back from her and blatantly stare at her body with a piercing and almost rigid gaze as I unbutton my jeans. She watches my hands for a moment but then starts to do the same with her slacks. We don’t take our eyes off each other, or even blink, as we remove all that remains of our clothing in slow, fluid movements.

The gates to the deepest and most intimate parts of our souls are opened by the magnitude of vulnerability that standing here utterly uncovered inspires. We stay this way for long moments. That primal flight or fight response triggers and we have to make a choice. We can fight the bondage of the chains that hold us in loves intense flame, or we can grip the stake and willingly let it consume us. The passionate scrutiny that burns in her soul is open and palpable, and I make my choice. I embrace it, embrace her, without hesitation or fear.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, is held back or hidden, and I revel in it as one tear escapes my eye. She sees this and I literally watch as all her barriers crumble before me. She is utterly open and trusting, and I will meet her head on.

The music dies away and for long seconds the room is deathly quiet, the tension of the moment inescapable. Inertia Creeps cuts through the silence and I take it as my cue. I approach her again, still strong and confident and sure. Every muscle and tendon in my body is in stark relief, cutting across the expanse of my skin. I ache to take her in, to crawl inside her and become one flesh.

I drop to my knees before her in a gesture of infinite surrender, grip her tightly about the waist, and rest my forehead against her hip. I can smell her passion and my mouth waters in preparation. I breathe deep and a heady wave of yearning shoots through my body until it lands in my groin and aches. She’s ready for me, and I’m ready for her.

Without thought or preamble, I pull her roughly to my mouth and swirl my tongue hard against her, deep and wet and stiff. Her body buckles and she cries out as her hands grab at anything to brace her. They find purchase in my hair and on my shoulder as I devour her greedily, my hunger intensified by the sweet and salty musk of her coating my tongue.

I abruptly push her back and gaze up into her dazed eyes. The passion in them burns me, my nerve endings tingle, and I stand, pulling her towards the bed where I push her down and high into the pillows at the middle. Crawling up towards her on my knees, I grab her behind her own and open her to my hungry gaze. She’s writhing, swollen, and flushed red with the passion that pours from her. I lean in over her on my knees and brace myself on my forearms, pressing our breasts tightly together as I rub against her creating a hot, slick friction. I look into her dazed eyes and attack her mouth recklessly; her barriers are down and I want probe past them, taste the fruit that is normally so well guarded.

I feel a rush of warmth gather and leak down my thighs and I realize that it’s time. I reach my left hand under the nearest pillow and feel around until I hit the semi-hard shaft of the object hidden beneath. Gripping it fully, I thrust my tongue further into her mouth. She groans and grips my back while pushing her hips up so hard against me that I almost can’t keep the distance between our hips. Quickly, I reach down and insert the shorter side of the phallus into myself with ease. I release my hold on her lips to gasp. The pleasurable spams racing through me at this depth had been long forgotten and the realization that I’m about to have this with Tina is a staggeringly gratifying notion.

Tina looks at me questioningly for a moment as I poise the other end of the object against her. I remove my hand, again bracing myself on my forearm. Her eyes light with knowing confusion and I meet her gaze, asking permission as I lower my hips to entice her to accept. She looks at me and hesitates for only a moment before the confusion melts away and is quickly replaced by trusting agreement and gratitude. She grips my hips painfully hard and thrusts me into her, grinding her head back against the pillows and letting out a pleasurable heaving groan.

I start to pull and push, move and grind our centers together. The motion is easy, aided by our extreme readiness and I can feel our centers meet around the shaft with the slick friction of foreplay. Her hands run up and grip my shoulders and I wonder if she’s going to dislocate her hips as she manages to open herself further to the welcomed intrusion. I know this is not an actual part of me but I can feel everything, each pulse and shudder that runs from me into her and her into me with each slowly building thrust and swipe.

Tina’s groans become more and more pronounced, and I can feel my own walls tightening in expectation. We’re connected in every way possible. I look down on her glorious, ecstasy riddled face, and quickly demand, “Look at me…open your eyes…” The words are difficult and stilted but she manages to do so. Three final words are gasped out, “I love you…” as we both crash over the edge together. Tina’s cries are loud and sensual and exhilarating. A second wind washes over me before the first has been fully spent, and I drop my hips, adjusting the angle of the phallus upward. I press in slow and hard against her and it only takes a few more strokes to send us trembling over another crest, this one smaller but fully draining.

I fall to her chest, my own heaving against hers, and delight in the trembling shudders that quiver through her legs. I listen to her frantic heart become more pronounced as the driving sounds that echoed our lovemaking turn to the soothing rhythm of Teardrop. I rest for just a moment longer before finding the strength to pull up and out. She gasps again and her legs tighten around me. Taking the phallus from myself, I fall to her side and slide my arms around her.

We cling to each other, trembling and sighing as the will for control takes a backseat to the powerful afterglow of such an intense joining of bodies, minds, and souls. We are truly one in this shining moment. Happy tears spill quietly from her eyes onto my shoulder and I kiss them, glory in them as I join her in them. There are no more words this night as we fall into a deep and life sustaining sleep of total comfort and safety. Fearless on my breath indeed…


I open my eyes to see a tangled jumble of gold waves partially covering my view. Reaching up, I smooth the silky strands away and breathe deeply of the lavender scent that surrounds me so fully. It’s so warm and comfortable that I struggle to find the determination to leave her, but I need to give her this, the most guarded part of me.

I lift my head and look out the window. The sun is only barely rising and the room is washed in a muted gray light. The candles have all burned out and it’s a satisfyingly quiet moment. I gaze onto her perfectly serene face and wonder at the small smile that quirks her full lips. She’s happy, even at rest, and I hope that I am at least a small part of the reason. It’s all I can do to keep myself from stroking the tender edge where her lips meet, but I don’t want to wake her.

Lifting her arm gently, I now have enough leverage to withdraw from her grasp. She turns on her back and I go rigidly still until her breathing again evens out. The loss of her warmth leaves an ache in my chest, but I force myself to stand from the bed and pad to the bathroom where my overnight bag and a medium sized box are stowed beneath the sink.

I dress quickly and brush my teeth and hair. Picking up the box, I walk back to my side of the bed and gently rest it beneath the pillows. I open the top flap and pull the small envelope and rose from inside, leaning them against the innermost edge. I want her to see them first when she turns to look for me.

My eyes linger on her for long moments. Last night was incredible. I never thought a connection could be deepened by using something external to bring your partner pleasure, but it was the opposite. We let go last night, no insecurities, and no boundaries. We have truly loved each other, known each other, seen into each other. Her hair is fanned out around her face and one of her hands is tucked up under the pillow. Her pose and the disarray of the covers entangling her remind me of the Pino Daeni oil panting Dreaming in Color. I smile a sadly satisfied smile before taking my bag and walking to the door, turning to gaze at her once more, I sigh as I leave the room, shutting the door behind me.

Continued in Chapter 6 – Well, nobody’s perfect.

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