It’s the eve of Christmas Eve and, even after all that’s happened, I still haven’t learned my lesson. I haven’t heard from Tina in this nearly three weeks-time, not once. I can’t help but still hope, hope that she’ll realize she’s punishing a person who doesn’t exist anymore, hope that she feels the same hole in her chest with my absence that I feel with hers, hope that there’s still hope. I just can’t seem to give up, and I don’t even know why. No, I’ll never learn that lesson.
I’m still following through with everything, even if she’s not there to see it. I’ve been staying with Shane, and she confirmed that Tina’s received her invitation but she hasn’t indicated if she is coming. I’ll unveil the last gift with or without her tomorrow. It’s all still hers, I’m still hers, whether she rejects it or not.
I met with Dylan and it was hard, impossible really, to go through all the images of Tina and our life and make them into something beautiful, to a song that steals the very words from my mouth, my heart. Despite everything, it’s still truth, and at least I still have the memory of her, concretely etched, permanently inked, into my very soul. At least I didn’t waste these last six months with her like I did the previous seven years.
No, this time I really felt the warmth in her touch, saw her smile when she blushed, watched the curl of her lip when she concentrated enough. I really knew her, know her, and I have the memory of her to cling to. I know what I’ve been living for, why I’ve been trying; it’s all for her. The video is testament to all I know and shared. It’s the story of us, one that I must tell, and it’s beautiful. How could it not be? It’s full of her and she is beauty incarnate. She is truly my turning page, and at the end of day, only the sweetest words remain.
Alice and I met with Allyn Barnes and the painting is everything she hoped for. It’s incredible, loaded with emotion and terribly moving. You feel like you can reach right through the paint and touch Dana’s soul; it captures her so beautifully unaware. I hope their road to discovery will be easier than mine and Tina’s has been. And I hope that neither road ends, ever.
Alice has apologized. She didn’t mean to be so insensitive to how upsetting the content of the image would be. She didn’t think this would happen. She expected us to react the same way we did with the website. Who would have thought it would be Candace this whole time? I certainly didn’t. I haven’t spoken to her since the morning I told her that Tina is the love of my life. She obviously heard me. I didn’t mean to use her and throw her away, like everything else, everyone else. But she and I were a lie. I guess some lesbians you have to break up with twice.
Apparently Carmen is good for her word. From my weekly updates, Candace has had her tires slashed, her apartment burgled, and the piece de la resistance, I have photos of her naked and strapped to the China East Gate. Coincidently, there haven’t been any other disturbances in the force.
So everything is ready for tomorrow, and I am as prepared for whatever comes as I can be. I don’t expect Tina to show, but I hope. And more importantly, I surrender; I surrender to the future, come what may. And just like six months ago, I’m prepared to be happy in the knowledge that Tina is whole again, with or without me. At least I never failed her in that promise.