Chapter 1 – Is it safe?

A lot can happen in four months. Lives can change; people can heal; people can grow; a heart that was shattered beyond repair can somehow be puzzled back together if you have the fortitude and desire to reset piece after piece with infinite care. But is it ever really whole? Or will you always worry that even a small gusting draft will be just enough to scatter it to the wind? Is this how heart transplant patients feel; they’re so grateful for the second chance at life that they’re too scared to grab ahold of it and live it to the fullest for fear of losing it? Is that how love is?  Yes, I think that’s what love is like, at least when you’ve been broken, at least when you’re Bette Porter.

I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am to have Tina…my life…my someday wife…sigh… The journey has been long, hard, and even treacherous, but we’ve come so very far. Seven years of highs and lows, we’ve braved the trials together; we lost a child together; we survived infidelity together; we hurt and comforted each other together; we lost ourselves and rediscovered ourselves together. We’ve truly seen it all, but we’re here…together. So why is here only the beginning? Why does everything feel tenuous at best? Will it always be like walking on eggshells, timid and fragile?

I’m tired, weary even. I spent too long without her to try and be patient now, but it’s what she needs; and if I’m honest, I’ll admit it’s what our relationship needs if we have any hope that it will endure. But slow implies progress in small measures. We’re at a dead stop. Don’t misunderstand, we’re committed, and we plan to rebuild a stronger foundation from the wreckage we painstakingly cleared, but as they say, ‘man plans and God laughs.’

I’m just so scared that if we continue to put things off, the waiting foundation will become swallowed up by untended landscape, the blueprints of our life withered and illegible from the destructive nature of time and doubt. I’m ready to take ahold of this life and live it with abandon; I’m ready to take ahold of Tina and love her with abandon, but she’s just not there yet. Actually, no, I know she’s there. She’s just so scared to take that last step over a cliff there’s no coming back from.

She knows I would never step outside of our relationship again, she’s said as much, but she still doesn’t fully trust me, or maybe she doesn’t fully trust herself. She’s grieved and forgiven, but it’s all still too much. Past is prelude. If that’s true then I defy it. I’ll defy anything that stands in the way of complete healing, even the very stars in the sky, and I will win or die trying. I’m Bette Porter, go big or go home.

She’s kept her apartment, saying that she needs her space. Space from what? From me? Can’t she see that space is what started all our problems before? No, what we need now is to cling to each other, embrace openness and share infinitely. I don’t want her to lose her identity to me. I want her to retain her autonomy and freedom. She’s strong and sure and capable, some of the very reasons I love her so completely. I only wish to become part of her, and she the best part of me.

So, I will tend the unused foundation alone, cutting away any and all things that might threaten its stability. I will continue to pour my heart and soul into the schematic of our life with the masterful hand of an architect truly devoted to her. And I plan to do this without her knowledge, which will be exceedingly difficult; but it’s a labor of love so pure in intent, that it will wash away any and all fears, insecurities or doubts, until there’s nothing left but the realization, one shining moment, when you know you can trust the steady, strong thump of your newly healed heart, reassuring you that it can handle anything.


Continued in Chapter 2 – Well, here’s another nice mess I’m getting you into.

22 thoughts on “Chapter 1 – Is it safe?

  1. This has been a wonderful story that I wish would never end. Your writing is extraordinary and you are incredibly talented. I also love that you post the entire story at one time. Please continue.

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  2. Yay, sequel! 😀 Bette took a lot of big risks. I was worried by Helena’s bitterness at first, that she might throw a wrench in Bette’s plans, but that ultimately worked out okay. What Bette found in Tina’s drawer and her eventual reaction to it was very good – highly sensual and meaningful, but they never did discuss it. Was it something Tina and Sam used during their time together, if so, or if not, why was Tina hanging on to it? Why did Sam steal Tina’s ring? She got off light, considering, but them all scaring the crap out of her was well deserved. I’m so glad Candace totally got hers via Ms de la Pica Morales and her family, but honestly, what was her deal? Grr. And the havoc Candace brought resulted in a three week absence between Bette and Tina. Bette was left just twisting in the wind, while she had given up everything and trusted it would work out. I’m so glad that Tina eventually realised that Bette wasn’t out to hurt her, and sweetly made up for that absence with her proposal, but the wait was nerve-wracking. Thank you so much for taking the time to write and post. I really enjoyed it. I’m looking forward to whatever you come up with in the future. Cheers! 🙂

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  3. Thanks for the encouragement guys! JP, I considered a lot of stuff that you’re mentioning but decided to leave it open ended. I almost did end it at the spot where I wrote the first ‘The End,’ but I respect you guys too much to have done that to you. It’s cruel. I plan to continue this into at least one more story and wanted these little things left open and unfinished, especially Candace and Carmen’s family. You bring up one thing though that I hadn’t considered: Tina not talking to Bette about the toys. I felt this was a good direction to go because the real Tina likes the cock, God love her. But I found is strange that on the show she couldn’t get that from Bette. I really believe there’s nothing a man has that a woman can’t buy. Why didn’t Bette take this tack instead of throwing Tina out of their bed? Frustrating. Well, my Bette isn’t that dense or unwilling to go there. It was a big moment for them that the real one’s should have had. Would have avoided so much shit on the show. I’ll keep this in mind for the next follow up. Maybe it’s time to talk…Thanks again you guys!

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  4. I was wondering who is this woman going by the name of “Bette” you write about, certainly not the Bette Porter I know and love. LOL There were parts when I thought there was a mental institution with Bette’s name on it. It was probably meant to be romantic but it was kinda creepy sometimes. But all ended quite well, right? And fake dick saved the day, poor Tina had to suffer all those years without one in her life. Judging from the above comment about how “Tina loves cock” I will probably skip the next installment, even though you are a brilliant writer, and leave this story with them where they are now.

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    • Ha! Sanetree, that’s awesome! I didn’t see it that way, but I definitely see your point. I guess, for me, what makes it different in this case is the fact that Bette spent the whole of their relationship, seven years, so focused on herself. If this was a new relationship, then yeah, I’d be concerned. lol But it’s not. We’re talking seven years together with Bette being a distant, alpha control freak. This isn’t about just giving Tina everything, it’s about proving that she’s willing to sacrifice anything for someone she’s only proved otherwise. Her words meant nothing because she never stood by them. In the show, she reams Marina for the affair with Jenny, then turns around and has one. Then, she cheats on Jodi with Tina. She doesn’t seem to learn or keep her word, and that’s what was so frustrating. This Bette, my Bette, learned from her mistakes, but she had to DO something to show that her words weren’t empty. How else could Tina be with her. If my partner cheated on me, I don’t think I could trust again. It would take extreme behavioral changes for me to believe them. Also, she didn’t just rename the gallery, she gave it to Tina. She is truly destitute, no job, no money, no art, no house, no nothing. It was her way of proving nothing she has is more important that Tina. As to the worshipping…well, some people like that in a partner, others don’t. I was going for romantic, not clingy. But in retrospect, I can see that Bette IS in fact becoming clingy. Thanks for that! It’ll give me something to play with in the next part.

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  5. Bravo! I love your stories. I also love that you don’t have separate chapter posts that keep a girl hanging. Seriously, your stories are romantic with a bit of naughty. You write very well so keep it up, please and thank you.

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  6. I haven’t finished the story yet, but I jumped to comments because I like to read other people’s reaction to stories. In this case I’m glad I did because I was feeling the same as Sanetree regarding Bette’s behavior. She was getting a bit creepy with her ‘plan’ and I thought for sure she’d lost her mind. After reading your responses to Sanetree I get that you were trying to prove that nothing was more important to Bette than Tina but everything she gave up was materialistic and she gave it all to Tina. If she was truly altruistic then it would have been more impressive; who wants someone without a job, home, or money? What was her plan if Tina decided to leave her or God forbid something happened to Tina? That was reckless and just like in the show that is exactly the trait that Tina had issue with. Tina in the show never gave me the impression that Bette’s wealth held any attraction. As a matter of fact her relationship with Helena was a good indicator that she wasn’t interested in someone trying to ‘buy’ her affection. “You broke everything that meant anything to me.” Those were Tina’s words and that is what Bette had to recover to really win her back; heart, body, soul, and mind. Anyway I will get back to the story now. I agree with everyone you are a very talented writer. Thanks for sharing.

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    • Thanks so much for your input. I value everyone’s thoughts, but the criticisms help me grow. I completely agree with what you’re saying, except for one detail. Tina does not value wealth, but Bette did, above all else. This wasn’t Bette’s way of buying her. It was her way of abandoning what means most to her for Tina to show that those things don’t mean anything to her if she doesn’t have Tina. It’s the old tale of a man who only has a penny but gives it, gives more or less than a man who is very wealthy but only gives some of it? It would have been no different than if she’d given everything to charity, but why not Tina? Now, as for who would want a scrub? Well, I’m fairly certain Tina knows that Bette is no scrub. She may have learned from her mistakes unlike the real Bette, but she’s still Bette Porter. She’s still determined, and strong, and capable. She gambled big time, took a huge risk, but to me, that shows her faith in Tina and their relationship as well as her faith that she can always start new. If something had happened to Tina, then Bette would be at square one, just like she is now. She’d have to start over, just like she’s going to. That’s the point of a fresh start. You go back to scratch. Thanks for giving me your input, and thanks to everyone else for the encouragement. I may not always agree with everyone’s take on it, but you can trust that I have conviction in what I write and why I write it but I always appreciate a healthy debate or meeting of minds. If there is any way any of you can help me improve on it, I’d love to hear it. I know things are a pendulum right now, but they’ll even out. I have faith. 😀

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  7. What the hell is everyone bitching about?!!?!!!!!! It’s the “Great Turkey Give-away”. Native Americans would give EVERYTHING they owned AWAY, even the clothes off their backs…standing naked to their tribe and to the universe…with nothing but faith. Bette’s unwaivering faith in a favorable outcome…her entire vision plus energy…ALL came back to her 10 fold. It is law. It is Turkey Medicine plan and simple. Look it up. LOL BTW Miss VW…?how’d Tina get BOTH the rings?? Thank You for sharing your fluent gift of writing TiBette. Someone once called themselves a “greedy reader”…I think we should start a club…I took am a greedy reader!!! hahahaha

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    • Lol Hellbent! You made me giggle and you’re not the first person to ask this question. I think maybe I was too subtle in how it was done. So, I’ll explain. Did you notice that Dana and Alice were all twitchy throughout most the story? Dana even blurted that Alice was having an affair, when she knew that was a lie. Alice danced when Bette asked her. If you didn’t notice, then I failed. If you did, then, you’ll remember when Dana and Alice were alone with Sam while everyone went to get their masks from the car? Yes, well, those sneaky little bitches took the ring. It was in Alice’s pocket the whole damn time. As for Bette’s ring, easy. They live together and she kept it in her purse. One late night trip to the fridge or bathroom took care of that. 😉 If this needs to be more clear, let me know and I’ll revise. Thanks for the strange and funny comments. I hope the answer makes sense. Let me know, I’m super serial you guys. Manbearpig…

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  8. Beautiful writing. Funny scene, dramatic … emotion … Everything is there. Better than “What a Way to go Out.” The next story will be extraordinary. Congratulations again. I hope to read you very soon.

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    • Aww *tear* I love you guys too. To the comfort of some and the dismay of others, I will tell you that the third installment is pouring out as smoothly as hot wax. I’m probably a third of the way done, but less than a week and it’ll be here. I’m thankful to all of you for your thoughts, comments, interpretations, and encouragements. They mean a lot to me.

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  9. I, too, love that the story is self contained and one does not have to wait forever for updates. It must be a more natural way for you to write. You do have a fluid way of writing. I enjoy how you write these characters and the humor and sarcasm you employ especially w/Alice and Helena . Oh, to have a partner such as Bette who tends to your every need and want even w/o asking. I understood what you were trying to achieve w/Bette renouncing all of her base character traits but I did find that somewhat unrealistic b/c one still has an ego to protect. She needs to survive. But it is the grandest and most altruistic gesture of all….to renounce all that makes you what you are. In fact, that’s what made me love and hate Bette on the show. It was all or nothing w/her. She was written as totally reckless and then she would have to bail herself out of dumb situations. For example, when she threw Tina out of her bed w/o trying to compromise or listen to Tina’s fears. But that’s how IC wrote her. At times, I thought IC wanted the viewers to hate TiBette or at least Tina w/Bette. Fans loved them together.

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    • Thank you for the compliments. I really do try to just sit down and let what comes out happen. I don’t understand how the other authors can write cohesive stories in little chunks, but what works some doesn’t for others. Just like my stories work for some, not others. 😀 I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. But remember, she IS still Bette. She was proving a point, and that’s why she was so over the top. She was desperate for Tina, and I think we all get overzealous when we’re desperate for something. She still has her ego and it will come back out to play. She’s just not going to be stupid about it. My Bette actually learned. But like you said, it’s all or nothing with her. She needed to go balls to the wall with Tina, and mine did. Now that she’s helped them both overcome the more difficult obstacles, they can truly start over. She’ll never stop seeing Tina the way she does, or loving her completely in my writings, but she will fail and falter. That’s life. But as she learned in What a Way to Go Out, if she truly wants to survive, she’ll tend to Tina. What a mind fuck. Thanks for your comment. I don’t see one thing there that I disagree with. 😀

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  10. With this hella busy week I forgot I was in the middle of this story. Thank god for lunch breaks. Vag, you rock! ✊😁 and you have a fucked up sense of humor. Still, you rock. Thank you for the rocking post.

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  11. Omg this story has been so good, it was so cute and amazing…….the whole I give you every part of me theme was cute and I loved it all the way through ….oh and when you said the end I was about to burst lol

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